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This is all we've got to give you from the days of yore.
If you want to read any more pathetic stuff, you'll have to stop by the [main archive page].

Monday, July 21, 2003

I am such a moron.

En route back home from Driver's Ed, I was less than a block away from my house, when I decided to practice riding my bike 'no-hands' style. Good one Tom.

Then the handel bars twisted to suddenly for me to correct, and I fell down. In addition to the front reflector breaking off my bike, I now have sliced-up hand heels, a bruise on my right calf, and a bruise just to the right of my *insert euphanisms for crotch*. In hindsight, that last one could have been a lot worse, but I guess I'm alright for now.

In memory of my incident, class, your assignment is to download REM's 'Everybody Hurts' and imagine me joyusly riding no-hands, and then being thrown from my bike and getting run over by a truck. That would have been so much cooler then just falling in the dirt, getting up, and limping home...

Today Tom was not a Cowboy.
Today Tom was an idiot.
Fuck a DUCK!

I'm trying to make instant Macaroni and I'm pullin the powder cheese bag off the noodle bad and the cheese bag rips open the noodle bag!!!! Macaroni noodles went everywhere. On the floor, under the microwave, behind the stove... it was horrible.

I put the ones under the microwave and on the floor back in the bowl and they're cooking right now. I said to hell with the ones behind the stove, I'm not that hungry. I hope our 'wave wasn't like leaking radiation out the bottom though, cause glowing green macaroni just does not sound appealing to me.

In addition, I made a flamethrower, but more on that later.

Macaroni's *look at me I go all over the kitchen* shenanigans tremble before the power of a Cowboy.

Saturday, July 19, 2003

Hello everyone. Here is another sad [as in pathetic] entry. As of late I haven't been good about keeping a blog list, so anytime I get like 3 things, they magically appear here.

Yesterday in drivers ed we watched yet another movie that was made before I was born. It had all kinds of crazy stuff like talking crash dummies. One of which was voiced by the person who voiced garfield on that old Garfield TV show. That in and of itself was weird, but in addition they had a segment about driving while drunk.

In this part they had all the tests to see if you were drunk or not. One was counting backwards from 100 by 7's. WTF? It can be done, but geez. Not easy. Think that's bad? The other one was to say the alphabet backwards!! I couldn't do that if I was more sober than a brick...

wait a sec, that doesn't make any sense... bricks don't know the alphabet.

You know who does know the alphabet though? Little kids playing with the telephone. The other day the phone rings and I pick it up and I'm all like 'Hello'. Then this little kid says 'Hello'. I say 'Hello' again and she says 'Hello' back. About now I'm getting a little ticked, because this could go on for hours and I'm wasting time that could be better spent sitting on my ass.

To break the cycle, I go: 'Well, who is this?' The kid says 'Mia' all cute like. After about 10 seconds of scilence I say 'Do I know you?' She says 'I dunno.' 15 seconds of nothing. Then Mia pipes up: 'Here's a grown-up' and some chick comes on 'I'm sorry we have the wrong-' *click*

I just spend a good 2 Minutes of my precious time for a wrong number call. Don't give children the phone, they just cause problems.

After the phone incident though, I discovered a much better mode of comunication. InternetRelayChat, or IRC, is like my new favorite thing. To put it simply: IRC was what you used for chatrooms before AIM, or MSN, or Yahoo were even invented yet. It's gaurenteed to bring out your nerd side in that 'good' sort of way. Not the evil one where you hack and destroy peoples websites [not cool].

Anyhoo, I think I'm going to try and organize something with Isaac [god of] and see if we can't use his server to host an IRC chat for the masses at some point. It'll be cool, trust me.

Something else that is mondo cool was the movie 'The League of Extrordinary Gentleman'. I had some doubts about this movie, it kinda had 'Big-Expensive-Flop' written all over it and I was scared LXG would be to Sean Connery as Holywood Homicide was to Harrison Ford.

LXG was not the case though, it was actually really cool. The characters really kinda make the movie, but the plot holds together fairly well too, which helps. First we got Sean Connery: Bad-Ass adventure man. Then we have Vampire Chick. She got caught up in that business with Dracula, so now she sucks blood and turns into bats and neat stuff like that.

The invisible man is a funny, sarcastic man, and I laughed at the thought that anytime you couldn't see him, he was walking around completely naked. [good thing he was invisible... *shudder*] Can't forget Tom Saywer. He's grown up in this movie and works for the U.S. Secret Service. I totally dug that.

Next is Dr. Jeckel/Mr. Hyde. This dude should have his own movie just because he's such an interesting character. In addition there is Mr. I-Can't-Die, who is invulnerable to eveything, which I found to be very cool. Captain Nemo rounds out the lot with his totally bitchin ship and his arm of turban-dudes.

Obviously I didn't take any of their names to memory really. I was to distracted by all their mad powers. So they movie goes along pretty quick, it has decent plot twists, and if the end was any more obvious, then they would have had to put the word SEQUEL on the screen.

That's about all I've got today. Go see LXG, open your heard to IRC, and don't drive drunk or else you'll turn into a talking crash dummy.

Cowboys are the most Extrordinary of all Gentleman.

Monday, July 14, 2003

Nothing huge. 10 days until the move. Get excited damnit.

Today I was riding back from driver's ed part one, the morning session, and the strangest thing happened. I was jamming to the 'No Disk' album by the Seatbelts, and about to go down a giant hill, and this lady who's car is parked in the middle of the street, waves me over all crazy like.

'What the Hell?' I think. Upon removal of the headphones and crazy woman explaining what the deal was, I understood. Turns out there was like a spider thing in her car. She was mondo freaked about spiders so she needed me to squish it. I did, and she made me show her the guns and stuff to be sure [yuck]. Anyway, she thanked me, told me I had good Karma coming, then drove off.

'Whatever' I said. The rest of the ride home wasn't near as eventful.

In other recent news, I loathe the fashion industry. They're little by little poisoning each one of our senses.

Damn fashion magazines and makeup. Everything has to look pretty.

All that pop crap? Yes. It is in fact funded by the fashion industry. Everything has to sound pretty.

All the billions of lotions out there? I could fill a swiming pool with my collection of hotel lotions... Everything has to feel pretty.

Perfume and Cologne [now refered to as 'colon' out of blatent disrespect]. There's a good idea: We can't bathe regularly, so lets cover up our bodily stench with an absurd amount of overly sweet/sour smelling CRAP! Everything has to smell pretty.

Skin-Seasoning. Pretty soon you'll be able to flavor your skin. Why? I'll tell you why. You know those big kiss scenes in movies and stuff like that? Where they're practically biting eachother's mouth's off? Well now its only going to get more dangerous, cause your skin could taste like a turkey dinner, or worse: McDonalds! Everything will soon have to taste pretty; PH34R!

So that's about it for the list. I don't make this shit up, really, I don't!

Yesterday in the noble and righteous quest to procure shoes from Kohl's, I was looking at legos. What can I say? I love Legos. I played with Legos yesterday. Those little plastic blocks kick ass! Anyhoo, at the store they had these new sets of legos. As of recent, Lego Corp.® has gone all sell out. NBA, Harry Potter, etc. [They should have stopped with Star Wars]. These new ones though, were all retro. They had a theme, like 'flying' or 'construction crap', but nothing specific. They showed all the different stuff you could make on the box and it was really cool. That's how legos used to be when I was little, and I'm glad they've gone back. The sets are good, but random assortments aren't half bad either.

Finally, the music segment. M30 Productions, the lable that brought you such classic hits as J. Hesch's I am the Rockford, brings you another breakthrough in music history. Only our lable had what it took to join classic artist M.C. Hammer, and new-age rapper E. Dawg Struby together to create a classic. Years down the road, your children will be listening to this song. Mark my words. Without furthur ado:

E. Dawg Struby- Awww Snap

Please, listen responsibly.

Cowboys will one day destroy the fashion industry.
Babies will laugh and women will frolic.

Friday, July 11, 2003

Hello people. Welcome to my Nightmare.

As of recent, I've been inducted into the satanic cult that is Driver's Education. I was incredibly hyped for this class at first, but now, my oppinions have strongly changed. Over the past week of annoying videos and that pain-in-the-ass teacher, I've compiled a vast list of crap I hate. After that I'm going to talk about how my week got better in the middle. Then maybe I'l bitch and moan a bit more and we can all get on with our lives. ^_^

Todays video had the white dude from Miami Vice (please excuse the blatent racial referance. I never watched miami vice and have no idea who the hell these cops are). Anyhoo, this guy was totally a wanna-be McGuyver. and McGuyver kicked ass. The dude in this video did not. My mom said he got pulled over for drunk driving a while back. I figure they took advantage of his celebrity-ness and made him do this dorky movie for community service. Fucking G-Men always get me down.

Next is the segments I like to call 'Morons at Ford'. Imagine that old show growing pains. Now pretend that on this show, Ford Motor Co. had monopolized the automotive industry (that fscking 'Boardwalk' will be the death of us all). This is where this story is set. Basically, hip, cool, Driver's Ed teacher Mr. Gerard teaches hip young kids in the ways of driving. After you get past the hilarity of the blatent Ford Co. advertisements [IE: Focusing on a Bronco in the background for a good 5 seconds before panning to the action], these ones really suck. The kids are stupid and the teacher talks like he invented the damn Highway Transportation System.

We were warned by the teacher that we should bear with the 'dry humor' of the Moron's at Ford segemnt. Dry humor my ass. They didn't even try to be funny. In hindsight though, I guess that's a good thing. [NOTE: There was one funny part. Not intended, but still funny. They were discussing things that could impair you while you were driving, and out of the back seat the girl screams 'DRUGS!', the camera crazilly zooms into a bottle of asprin, then cuts back to the girl 'THE LEGAL KIND!'. Yeah thanks. The billions of little stickers on the bottle hadn't tipped me off in the first place. I'm glad you reminded me. I might have attempted to operate heavy machinery under my daily dose of VALIUM!]

Then there was this crazy 70's video. I'm surprised we didn't have to break out a reel-to-reel tape player or a microfilm viewer to see this beauty. Imagine some dork in a suit the color of dog's crap droning on in front of a bluescreen about how great driving safe is. The only good part about this was he once refered to all the knobs, switches, and lights on the dashboard. What the hell is his deal? Is he a monkey? Has he never seen blinking lights and moving controls before?! Freaking 70's.

Lastly, one time Mr. Wichman [moron paid to teach us to drive] said something like: You drive how you feel.

I know this can't be true. Why?

Because if it were, I'd be driving around with one hand at 12 o'clock on the steering wheel, and the other hand would have a revolver barrel pressed to Mr. Wichman's head. [Now I know why I kept signing all my religion papers 'Trigger'.]

*sigh* I was the only one who got 100% on the test yesterday, but I also have trouble staying in my lane. As E. L. Struby once so eloquently put it:

Fuck that shit.

Wendsday though, I managed to go see the crazy pirate movie with Melanie and Anna. That was better than I expected. I'd expected Disney to push pretty-boy Orlando and make Johnny Depp all scary or whatever. They didn't though. Orlando was a halfway decent character, and Depp was actually kind of funny.

Not as funny as this lady behind us thought it was, however. She was in fucking hysterics, I heard her gasping for air at one point. Only I am that funny. And even sometimes I'm not. Stop laughing woman. Johnny Depp is a badass, not some stand-up comic.

After that we stood outside and I threw things over ledges while we watched the storm. The storm was very cool from Ward Parkway. We saw/heard a transformer explode. Sorry for you people who lost power, but it was so rad looking from about 20 miles away.

Then on Thursday I went on a spree. I got my monthly 60$ sustinance from mother. I promise to get a job soon blah blah blah. 10 goes in the savings jar, then we go to Ward Parkway. I buy the following: Cake's Fashion Nugget [20.00]; Soundtrack to Vanilla Sky [16.00]; Megatokyo Volume 1 [10.00]. In like the expanse of 45 minutes I spent almost 50 bucks. I came home both pissed and happy. Then the mexican food I had just eated kicked in and the Tomometer needle swung into the HYPER-PISSED range.

[I need to eat less. I get insanely hungy and eat a ton of food, then I feel all sleepy afterwards and I need to crash. Only to wake up hungry again. Damn growth spurts.]

One Final Note: If you know me I've probably mentioned it by now. If you don't know in that case then, let this be the public announcement: On July 24th, the Brak Blog will have a new home! I've got almost all the bugs worked out of Brak-Blog-2.0, and it's radness is challenged by only perhpas the regrowth of my awesome hair, and lightsabers. And cheese. On July 24th, I'll post the link and do some fancy auto-redirecton coding. Don't get pissed when you can't use this site when I foreward it to the new one. Everything [and I mean EVERYTHING, even the crappy beginning of this blog] has been archived at our new home. More on that as it approaches.

Cowboys don't drive. We ride behind the wheel.
[I need to copyright this shit.]

Sunday, July 06, 2003

Woo. The time draws nearer...

Still on the topic of me being up exorberantly late [2 nights ago I made it till 5:30], I got to thinking: Do I really have that much skill? Thus was born project whitebox. It's easy to stay up late when there are movies to watch, books to read, or games to play, but what if you were stuck in a small white room. With nothing but a Rubic's Cube?

How easy would it be then to say up late? I'm determined to try. Anyone wishing to participate or volunteer their services, please contact me.

Sex-Help adds. They're everywhere. In my inbox (you know you get them too), on the radio, even on TV. TV for god's sake! The most sacred of media penetrated (horrible pun) by the most evil of advertisements! It pissed me off so much. Why don't all you poor dudes out there (believe me, my deepest sympathies to you) just go make your own little support group and do this stuff there. Please, save the rest of us from having to hear 'Is your partner unsatisfied?' anymore...

Canadian words. I'm not a hater of Canada, but their messed up english spellings bother me. List time:


Next was last night's little incident with my Clapper®. Normally, I can 'Clap Off'® just fine, but when I'm up late, its hard to do that without making a lot of noise. So instead I just put my hand close to it and snap. That usually works fine, except last night, I'd just eatten some chips, and though I licked my fingers very thuroughly, I had not yet washed them, so the were still a mite bit greasy.

If you've ever tried to snap with greasy fingers, you'll know its not easy. Case in point, I couldn't 'Clap On Clap Off'® without waking eveyone up, and I couldn't 'Snap On Snap Off' [U.S. Patent Pending] because there wasn't enough friction on my fingers. What did I do? I went to sleep with the light on of course.

Finally, my 4th of July fireworks bananza. Special thanks to Paula for hosting, it was very rad. We shot off all kinds of fun things, but most noteable the Jesu [pronounced Hey-Sue]. It's offically the best firework ever. Here is Radiskull's homemade-recipie for the Jesu-Super-Fire-Rocket-Mega-Bomb-Bomb [thats translated from the original Japanese word].

1. Empty soda-pop can.
2. Use Paula's Patented Process for opening up the top.
3. Stuff as much crap as you can into the can.
4. Put one in the top with the fuse sticking out of the lid.
5. Bend metal top act into place, making the canister 'semi-sealed'©
6. Light.
7. Run like flying deer [also translated from original Japanese].

Then you get multiple kabooms as the fireworks set eachother off from inside the can. Upon making sure all fireworks are done exploding, approach the can. Look at it smoke, then touch it.

It's hot isn't it? Then, after seeing the numerous gaping holes in the side and the chared remains of the soda-pop-brand's lable, set it to the side.

If you incidentally created the Jesu-Super-Fire-Rocket-Mega-Bomb-Bomb 2.0, then wait for 10 minutes. After this time has passed, the can shoule re-ignite. It burns! [Don't ask the secret though. We're still not sure how you upgrade to the 2.0. Please wait for a system repair patch. Untill then, enjoy the original Jesu, in all it's exploding glory.]

Happy 4th all you Cowboys. [®]

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

Wow. 2:30. This is actually fairly early for me. Considering bed times of late have averaged out to 4, but have often peaked at 5 am. I should get a fucking award for this.

Today I injured myself. Playing video games. I kid you not. My left thumb sends numbing pain though its repective digit upon any pressure. Why? I played sonic 3 for... hm. Well, I started at 3, finished at 12... took a few breaks. About 7 hours. On the POS Genisis controller, its a wonder I don't have something worse... like WestNile, or SARS.

Cause you know, SARS runs amock, even in the midwest. The stories you hear.... they're all true. SARS can be transmited by touch, by visiting the same website as an infected person, any transfer of fluids, and by having a name similar to that of an infected person. I've seen it happen. Not pretty.

While we're on the topic of extremes...
Extremists really piss me off. Any and All of them. For instance:

Everyone knows its bad to want to much.
It's greedy, and wanting to much for one's self is bad.
Or so I'm told.

But on the flipside, its equally as bad to want to little. EG:
Gee, racial oppression is really wrong and it sucks... but at least I'm not on fire!!

See? It's all bad vibes.

WOAH! Stop the presses. My hair is growing back to its former glory before it was maimed by someone who I care not to name. *evil glare towards barber shop*

How do you afford / your kick-ass Cowboy Lifestyle?
[sing to music of 'Rock and Roll Lifestyle' by Cake]