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01/01/2004 Archived Entry: "Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself"

Since I cleaned off my desk and found my favorite notepad, I've been jotting notes on stuff to blog about, so this sucker is going to be full of content. Or at least that's the aim.

Few days ago poor, whiney, little Ethan got his wisdom teeth pulled out out. Everyone, lets hear a collective awwwwwww. That's right. Anyhow, being the nice son of a gun that I am, I decided that I would pay him a little visit. In my true fashion of never doing anything genuinely nice, I decided to pretend like I was with Meals on Wheels and bring him lunch as well. [Lunch consisting of easy mac thrown together 5 minutes prior to departure.]

So I get there or whatever, say hi, and I give him the food. What does the bastard do?! He hands it back to me, and informs me that he doesn't like Macaroni and Cheese! Well screw you Ethan. So I sat on his porch with Rachel [who was also there] and ate the food myself while we talked about junk with Ethan. I wasn't really mad... just suprised. Oh well. It was good mac and cheese; his loss.

Next up on todays list we have this stack of religion pamphlets Tim Martin gave to me a long, long time ago at Wintsteads one time. The one entitled The Way to HAPPINESS has quite a few really good lines, some of which include:

"The way to happiness does not include murdering your friends, your family, or yourself being murdered."
Wow. What a revelation...

"The way to happiness does not include the fear of being found out."
Found out what? That you're gay? That you're actually a woman? That you haven't paid taxes in the past 25 years? I just don't get it.

"The way to happiness is best traveled with competant companions."
Damnit. I guess I'm screwed...

"Men without faith are a pretty sorry lot...", "...But when they have religious beliefs, respect them."
How is it that I always get the shaft from these little god-books?

"The way to happiness is a high-speed road to those who know where the edges are."
All of a sudden the 'Way to Happiness' sounds a hell of a lot like I-35.

Then we've got God's STOP Signs.

"STOP. Plan ahead for wholesome activities on your date. Choose activities that will build you up spiritually, mentally, and physically. Avoid dances, un-Christian music, sexy movies and TV shows. Attend church activities together, start a Bible study group... etc."
Shyeah! Right. And maybe later monkeys will fly out of my butt. If you'll excuse me, I've got some un-Christian music to listen to.

"STOP. Pray for God's leading and will for your life. God is interested in who you marry. In His perfect timing He will lead you to the one who is to be your husband or wife and to a happy, lasting marrige. Never rush into a marrige because you are lonely."
Excuse me, question: If you're in any type of position to get married, how the hell can you be lonely? Follow-up question: Anyone feel like getting hitched?

BLAH. Preachy people/things annoy me, but I suppose you all know that by now. Also in the disaster-area that was my desk I found this poem I wrote for Kevin Mills's final Bio I project:

I *heart* DOLPHINS
By Kevin

Dolphins are cool
One lives in my pool
They're always wet
And get stuck in tuna's net
Good god Dolphins Rule!

Dolphins are smart
Their communication is art
They really can jump
And I'm no chump
You won't find these boys at K-Mart.

Dolphins are rad
No, I'm not mad
Now you should't miss
When they eat their fish
Geez, this poem was bad.

I really enjoyed the fact that he turned it in, in my handwriting, and Mrs. Reed didn't say a damn thing. Hell she saw me write it...

So how about that Michael Jackson? Huh? Yeah... he's freaking weird. I watched his interview on 60 Minutes with Mr. BigImportantInterviewerMan, and Jacko creeps me out major. Like his voice is all high up there, and he's all white, and his nose looks ceramic and its just GROSS. At the end he said that the most meaningful song he ever wrote was "Have You Seen My Childhood".

60 minutes felt compelled to show us clips of the video. Dear god... Imagine Jacko sitting on the top of some mountain in the middle of the night in a white suit, singing his damn song as a bunch of 8-12 year old kids go sailing over him through the air in tacky looking boats getting all excited or whatever.

Irony? Coincidence? I'd really be happier not knowing...

I was reading the back of the dictionary the other day [shut up. I was feeling stupid so I felt like learning something.] and I found this list of the proper uses of brackets. Apparently I've been useing them way to much. But they're way cooler than (I can't spell the name of these guys). Anyhow, one such unique use of the brackets is with the latin term sic, meaning "thus". Its when you quote a source that was incorrect. For example:

Joe Bob said "I ain't got no stinkin' boots." Rhandal The Reporter wrote it up in his article about morons:

I asked Joe Bob where his shoes were, and he replied, "I ain't got no stinkin' boots."

Rhandal's editor says to Rhandal, "Rhandal, how come your name isn't spelled right?"

"Well I don't know sir."

"Fair enough. How come you used "ain't" in your article? Don't you know that's improper english?"

"Why yes," Rhandal The Reporter replied, "but that's what Joe Bob said."

Now, this entire situation could have been avoided if Rhandal had written it was follows:
"I ain't got no stinkin' boots [sic]."

Indicating that he recognized the mistake in the source, but was citing verbatim. See? Now aren't we all better people for knowing this strange, oddball, useless litterary fact? I should think so.

Now, lets veer away from the fact that I'm a total dork for a little bit, and talk about a recent adventure. *crowd cheers* Yes, that's right.

As you may or may not know [it was mentioned in the previous entry], I got a Bonsai Tree for christmas. I was getting kinda freaked out though that I wasn't taking care of it the right way so I decided to consult an expert. An expert being someone working at the place where it was purchased. So I had Lizz cart me out there, Stever [the tree] in tow. I talked to a few people, and finally got to the tropics lady. She told me that it's called a 'Ficus Too Little', it needs a lot of water, lots of sun, and I should watch out for scale infestation. w00t. So having this information, I put Steve on top of my TV set in the window that gets the most light. Here's a [picture]. [NOTE: It isn't black and white because I'm a hipster like Ethan, it's black and white because my scanner is a piece of shit.]

Then we headed out to BestBuy so I could spend my gift certificates. I spent them, and then a little more. But I came out with the first Third Eye Blind CD and the Greatest Hits of Talking Heads. Score! We also ran into Mindy. Mindy seemed like she was on some kind of crack/coffee/sugar buzz. [It was hella cool.]

Randomly, we decided that it would be a good time for a moive, and Lizz gets into this totally awesome theater called the Westglen for free. So we went and saw that Ben Affleck movie Paycheck. Ben has redeemed himself with this one, because it was that freaking cool. It was all mystery-think-about-it type movie that I really enjoyed. I wish a movie would happen to me. You know? Complete with the car-chases, explosions, and gracious-sex-scenes... but I highly doubt thats happening anytime ever.

Around the time we managed to get back to my neck of the woods, it was 2 something and we were both hungry, so we went to Wintsteads and had food. Much like our situation with the gas a few weeks ago, I kinda sorta forgot how to pay for a meal at Wintsteads. So I just put the money on the table. And eventually it worked out. How, I do not remember, but at this point it doesn't really matter...

Then I felt like going downtown, so we went downtown. I fscking love downtown. The huge buildings really do it for me. We parked Joe by Liberty Memorial, and checked out Liberty Memorial. That sucker is BIG. And its also the only National Monument to World War I. The one thing Kansas City has that nobody else does. Pretty neat, huh?

Next up was Union Station, and that was Lizz's idea [you'll understand in a minute]. After the walk over we ran around just about every part of Union Station you can go without paying any money. We also kinda stumbled upon the random Hallmark offices in the back... who's doors were open... yeah. Probably shouldn't have been back there, but no one was around... So, after the aimless milling around and running through the Greenhouse-that-is-The-Link we get back to the other side of the street. At the foot of the giant hill the put the Memorial on.

The ENTIRE way up Lizz complains about it because she's equally as whiney as Ethan but in a different way. And I get blamed for everything when it was HER idea to go down the hill in the first place. It's absurd how much crap I take from her in a day...

To like... I guess rest or whatever from the strenuous physical activity that we'd subjected ourselves to, we went to the park at Suicide Hill. It's a good park, with good swings. There were kids there too, and one of the little guys started running around the park acting like a chicken and jumping around and shit. I told Lizz that that was his mateing call and he was trying to pick up on her... Jesus I kill myself sometimes... After scaring away the small children, and realizing the sun had gone down, it was time for Tom to go home.

Back home things were a mild disaster. Neil Harris had been fixing our plumbing for the past 2 days and so there are gaping holes in the breakfast-room ceiling. And a funny smell in my bathroom that is really, really clean now. Funny smell being cleaning solutions, not something gross. So I was glad I'd been gone for the majority of it, because it was annoyingly loud.

Next day [New Years Eve] I had to get my haircut. It was a bitter sweet expirience. Bitter because I loved my hair dearly. Sweet because I don't need as much shampoo, and less work always makes life better. Then it was off to Paula's for the rockin' New Years bash.

We watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and the Breakfast Club [thanks to yours truly] and all was good. The ball dropped, we drank sparkling grape juice, and everyone somehow managed to escape a movie-esque makeout sequence. 2004 had started just like it was supposed to.

A couple other things happened that I do not feel compelled to elaborate on, but for historical reasons, they happened around now.

Good luck with 2004, Cowboys
We're all going to need it...

Replies: 3 Buddies Neglected Their Oral Hygiene

There were no sex scenes at all in that movie. gracious or gratuitous. Tom you're making up sex scenes, which scares me. And you should not complain about the amount of crap you get from me, I happen to think it is exactly the right amount of crap, besides everything can be traced back to you, being your fault, always. Itís one of the laws of nature, unchangeable, all bad things come from Tom.

Posted by Lizzz @ 01/03/2004 10:30 PM CST

i hope you meant "gratuitous sex scene," because a gracious one sounds like it's being thankful, for something.

I'm not too sure how many more of you adventures I can take hearing about before I go crazy, like...

monkey loving hipsters.

Posted by sean @ 01/03/2004 08:07 PM CST

omg tom you are the funniest person ever!! i don't think i have ever laughed so hard at someones blog/xanga....im really suprised you cut your hair...and your poem was kick ass

Posted by Laura @ 01/01/2004 08:34 PM CST