I really dislike days like today. Days where I have this sort of ‘identity crisis’ that’s starting to get frustrating. It really boils down to the fact that I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up, and that scares me.
On the one hand, I think that math and science are really, really important. I think that a significant portion of the human race’s worthwhile contributions have been largely a result of the physical sciences, and mathematics is a big part of that. Consequently, here at college I’ve devoted most of my studies to that which I think is the most important.
The problem is I suck at it.
It’s not that I’m failing, in fact I’m nowhere near failing anything, it’s just really, really hard. I’m sick of feeling completely lost every single time we learn a new concept. Most things that are learned build on themselves, the transitions make sense (provided you know where you’re going), and you can almost predict them. I used to be able to do that. I can’t now.
On the opposite hand, you’ve got my other side. The side of me taking political science classes and wishing I had more english courses, the side of me that deperately misses debate. The thing is, I don’t really think that any one of those things is more important than science, but I’m so much better at them. And I like them too, just not as much.
So when I don’t understand the stupid vector cross product or how to define a plane with three points in three-dimensional space, it sort of just makes me want to drop all that junk and read books and write papers and watch the news for the rest of college.
I don’t know what to do. They say ‘do what you love and the money will follow’, but what if you’re not very good at what you love. Which then brings up the question that if math and science irritate me this much, do I really love them at all, or do I just have this sort of idolistic respect for them? I still don’t know what to do.
My blue Evangelion is coming in the mail next week.
I like how that’s the most exciting thing I have to look forward to.