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Wednesday, April 30, 2003

ha ha! Greetings all 'net divers from earth! Boy do I have a show for you today! Over the past 3 or four days, there has been some MONDO funny shit going on. Today is the blog compilation of that stuff, so get ready!

Lets start with monday. I woke up uncannilly early on monday. I wandered downstairs, completely ready to go to school, at 6:30. Realizing I wasn't leaving for another 45 minutes, I switched on the tube while I ate my daily bowl of Frosted Cheerios. To my surprise, be it pleasant or horrific, I'm still to shocked to remember, Sailor Moon is on. Sailor Moon! The coolest anime for little girls with implied nudity ever! It's like the Dragonball for the preverted 10 year old in all of us... us Guys I mean. So yeah, that was sweet, and I was singing the Sailor Moon theme in my head all day. After that though, there was this really crappy show on called "California Dreams". The basis is that unruly highschool students living in sunny CA get into crazy situations and HILARITY ENSUES. Be warned, this is not a show for the faint of heart. The utter LACK OF ACTING and the disgustingly predictable plot made me, for the first time since... ever, want to go to school. So then I did. I came home, and then things got weirder.

My curriosity got the best of me, and I clicked a link to www.goat.cx. WARNING! Do NOT go here. I'm being serious. It's like disgustingly worse then any porn, any saddist website... anything. It's the sort of thing that makes people like me, who take delight in strange things may I remind you, want to pluck their eyeballs out. After reading all that, if you still feel up to it, visit goat.cx. Once you've seen it, I don't think it will requite anymore explaining.

Still tramatized from the expirience above, I clicked on anything to get me off goat.cx. Of course, with my luck, I make it to dolphinsex.org. My god I'm having a day. This site outlines in a very descriptive manner... well, I doubt I need to go into it. This site lacks digusting pictures, but it compensates in overall nasty weirdness. Once again dazed and confused as to why such evil exists in this world, clicked something else, a link that read simply... stiff. What does it give me? A guide to necrophilia. I hate myself.

Tuesday. Trying to relate this odd happening of events on the 'net last night, I asked a friend (trying to remember the word Necrophilia) "What do you call it when you do it with dead people?" This was the subject to much hilarity, and I'm sure it will be for many years to come. I reiterate the fact that I hate myself. Oh, and it prompted the creation of this. In addition, we watched a video about dolphins in biology... ew...

Things got better when I came back home though. I finally saw the end of "American Ninja". My conceptions of this movie have changed a little. In the end, the American Ninja, who's name is Joe... "yeah, just call me Joe". meets his old master, and they have one final training session. Then Joe ditches his army get-up for a totally sweet ninja suit. He's going head to head with his master against 40 some of the bad ninjas. They kill all 40, and then enters BLACK STAR NINJA. The biggest and baddest of all the evil Ninja guys. He throws the a knife at Joe, and his master takes the knife for him. It was cheesey, and there wasn't even the classic "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" that you usually get with stuff like that. Any hoo, lots of people die, but Joe gets the Black Star Ninja, and the credits scroll. Watch this movie. I promise it's the best crappy movie ever made. Really.

Wendsday. Today I made vocabulary cards for my english class, and after all the ninja action yesterday, I made them ninja themed-

Ethnic -
Saddly, the U.S. Census office would not accept "Ninja" as an ethnic background.
Exigency -
Even in the exigency and strife of a pirate attack, a Ninja always remains calm.
Erudite -
The erudition of a Ninja is unparalleled; they are of the highest mental capacity.
Esoteric -
The secret technique of invisibility is quite esoteric, only the most elite of ninja's have mastered it.
Ethical -
A Ninja's code of morals is of the most ethical codes in the known universe.

So there you have it. It's now wendsday afternoon, and I'm sitting here, not wearing any pants because its hotter then hell in my house. I've checked all my usual stuff (see side bar of links) and I'm wired from 2 pops and 1/2 a bag of Chicks and Rabits. This is why I don't go out...

Animals like Dolphins mate... Cowboys spawn.
(Still not sure how that works)

Friday, April 25, 2003

I hate Libraries. I just do. They bother me for some reason. Regardless, I had to go to the Mid-Continental Library with my mom today, and it wasn't that bad. I forgot how cool the idea of a Library being free is. You go in there, show them the card, and you can have books for as long as you want. I got a book, and a big one at that. It was nice.

I then came how and watched some cable TV, which, unfortunatly, is not free. After I got over the irony watching TV after checking out a book, I found a totally sweet movie called American Ninja. The rugged fronteer mentality meets the stealth, ass-kicking way of the ninja. For once a movie actually delivered what I expected. The part I came in on, was where some hyper-rich dude showed his hyper-rich-buyer-friends his giant ninja-army-training complex. I was floored at this, because it's like evey kids dream to own a ninja-training-complex. The rest was about a marine commando who was raised by some old fart in Japan who taught him all these ninja moves. He used them to do glorious americanistic things blah blah blah, but it was still pretty neat.

Lastly, I have shit with amazon.com. My E-Mail is registered @yahoo.ca. Which is out of canada. w00t. Yea Canada... whatever. I just wanted the name. Anyhoo, I sign up with Amazon.com because sometimes I go on shopping "sprees". I just put a whole bunch of stuff in my shopping cart and I get all excited and stuff. Then, at a later date, when I already feel like crap, I empty it back out. But for those 5 minutes of clicking "add to cart" on 40+ items, I'm in heaven.

So thats cool, except all of a sudden, every time I go to amazon.com, this big pop-up pops up and it says ARE YOU CANADIAN!?!?!?!?!?!? Evidentally because I have a canadian email, I must, by definition, be canadian.

fuck NO!!!

I'm no one's foreign bitch. Go America, freedom, liberty, and all that. I got so sick of that damn pop-up, so I went in to log out so I wouldn't have to see it anymore, and Amazon.com has no logout option!! I was very mad, so I physically went in and deleted the cookie that told admin@amazon what my account was. Ha ha, I win. NO more pop-up.

Cowboys can logout anytime they want to.

Boy did I see the coolest thing on Cable EVER today. It was sweet. Now I've seen some bad movies, and I've seen some good movies, I've even seen movies who's subject mater was irrelevant to me but the film made it interesting. Anyhoo, today I saw another one of the crappy ones.

I'm clicking through the channels, and I see something called "Switchblade Sisters". It was really neat though, because as I'm reading the title, the movies loads from the cable box, and they're actually fighting with switchblades as I come into the movie. I've never had that happen where I walk in right when the title is explained. My second reaction though, was this: I see the title and think, alright, babes duke it out with sharp knives, how does one go wrong?! Well trust me, it's entirely possible.

Problem #1. They're not babes. Problem #2. Their switchblades are like, dinner knives. It was really sad, and when one of them got cut it was totally fake. Then, when the one Switchblade Sister was going to finish the other Switchblade REvolTinG Sister off, they only show the sillouettes. (I really should learn to SPELL someday...). Long story short this movie was crap. I'm going to remake it though, as part of my up-coming midlife crisis, and it's going to have SUPER HOT NINJA BABES as the Switchblade Sisters, not Susan-Sarandon-Look-Alike-Rejects.

I also said something really cool, and it pleased me. I was watching Ferris Buller's Day Off with my sister, and she says

Tom, a lot of the kids at my school quote this movie and think they're cool

Now all the kids at my sister's school are jerks, but this movie is rightous. How does one solve this paradox, I soon found out when I said:

There's 2 types of people in this world. Those that quote Ferris Buller, and those who are Ferris Buller. If you quote the movie, it means you want to be like Ferris, and in wanting to be something you're not, one could never truly become Ferris Buller.

It was one of my Modern-Day-Enlightenment-Buddah moments. I enjoyed it... I'm sitll not sure what it means though...

There are those who ARE cowboys, who will ultimatly rule the world.
And then those who want to BE cowboys.
There are also those who are "inferior", and are SHOT by cowboys.

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

OK, not much to say today, but I just was wondering about some stuff.

Like you know those camera things that are ALWAYS in pop-up adds and everyone knows the name cause you see it all the god damn time? And how they always have pictures of seductive women, all like catching them with only the bare minimum of their clothes on or something? I hate advertising. Because those bastards have totally ruined something I held dear. I used to think: Scantly clad women, ok, hell yes! But now I think: Scantly clad women, ok, camera thing... GOD DAMNIT.

See? Other things like that, like you know... Ok, nothing beats that one. But I promise, there's other stuff like that.

I also stole someone's car keys on accident and I felt bad about it.

Cowboys have guns and get into cool gun battles and have trusty steeds. Modern day cowboys have all of these things; except the steed is a '92 Celica, not a horse.

Thursday, April 17, 2003

God damnit. Today totally sucked. I had a shitty day to boot, and everything following it hasn't helped at all.

After school being borring and monotone and uninteresting as usual, I finally get out. The first thing that happens is that this kid I know starts being all nit-picky about the stupidest stuff ever, and I was very close to yelling "shut the hell up" at him; and meaning it.

After that I had a close encounter, more like a crash-and-burn encounter, of the progress report kind. It came, and it was bad. Uncannily bad. As I'm getting a talk from my mother I'm very confused, and in turn very pissed off. Most stuff was ok, or at least suspected, but my gym teacher gave me a D and my religion teacher a C+. It was one of those what the fuck?! moments. Problem is I can't sort all this out until I get back, so now I'm going to have that hanging over my head the entire break, so again, this is all bad.

My dad's going to be pissed most likely, when he gets back anyway, cause this sort of shit doesn't happen, like since ever. My mom was really nice about it though. And after all this mini-crisis bullshit, I started to think about how much being a person really does suck. Existing in and of itself is a burden. And think about it, why does any living organism strive to live? Because they don't know what happens when you die. Its the basic fear of the unknown. If one knew what happened when they'd die, would we really have much to live for? I dunno. I should stop thinking, because you see the kind of shit that it produces.

Bleh. I want to sleep, but its only 5:30 something... Sorry about all this. Today was just me getting all of my bad vibes back, and I doubt any of you cared to read all that. Perhaps tomorrow I can be funny again...

Cowboys hate school. They feed progress reports to their trusty steeds.

Wednesday, April 16, 2003

Rawr. Today was crazy. One of my friends was sad, so in turn I was sad. In addition, I'm going to NFL (biggest forensics tournament just anyone can go to) in an event I've only done ONCE. What was my coach thinking. I dunno. Grr. I know I'm going to suck, I'm just worried about how much...

And then there was the pants ordeal. I came home, and took off my uniform because it was wet from rain and I hate it to start with. Only I couldn't find any pants. I spent 15 minutes wandering around in boxers and a t-shirt looking everywhere for pants! I finally found some, and it was good. Pants are good.

Then I realized how much I dispise Xanga, so I decided to bitch about it in rant form. Read that. You'll be informed and enlightened.

Lastly, today, I felt like buddah. It was the shit. I was sitting on a table in science all cross-legged and stuff, and someone came to ask me something. I answered the question all calm like, they understood and then they left. The exchange had buddah written all over it. Now, if only my buddah-ness would enlighten me as to how buddah is REALLY spelled... that would be good.

If you see a cowboy walking down the street, kill him;
For he is a false cowboy.
The real cowboy lies within.

Monday, April 14, 2003

I said godamn. I haven't updated the ol' blogo in a while so here goes.

I'll start with some more administration complaining. In their infinate wisdom, the admin decides to put crosses with inspirational mottos on them on everyone's locker. I rip mine off, and stick it on my atheist friend's locker. It was a joke, funny. Ha ha. Anyhoo, to retort, he turns it upside down, along with the one that was there in the first place. Right? Right. So after school, he gets yelled at by a teacher! WTF! They put the god damn things on our locker, if they didn't want us to mess with 'em don't give them to us!!! I hate these people.

Next, I saw some movies over the weekend. Anger Management, which I mentioned earlier. See this movie with your parents. Its funny with slapstick and whatnot, but still semi-appropriate. The OTHER movie I saw yesterday was Pulp Fiction. One of my all time favorite works of film. Don't see this with your parents. There is so much wrong crap in here I'm not even going to list it. It's the kinda movie that has you cursing at any given thing. "Fuck you table! I said fuck you!" Like that. So just watch your mouth when its over. You'd be surprised how easilly the brain is influenced after 2 hours and 30 minutes of Quentin Terintino. Yep. I think that's about it. I need some free time to get my projects going again. Stupid school ruining my creative career.

"Well what'do they call a Cowboy in France?"
"Hey man, a Cowboy's a Cowboy. Except there they call it 'Le Cowboy'."
"Le Cowboy. I like the sound of that..."

Friday, April 11, 2003

Today was a cool day. School was crappy as usual. My English class reminded me (once again) that I can't spell for beans. It's just not something that comes to me. Damn them. After that though I came home and made you all something really cool. Remember on March 27 the whole thing with my pictures of guns and so on? Well I finally got those up. They're on brak-sign, or if you want to access them direct, they're right here.

Aside from that, I went to see a movie with my friend. We say Anger Management, and it was pretty funny. In addition, before that I was wandering through target and I met the coolest kid. I was looking at action figures like I normally do, and all of a sudden this kid maybe a year younger then me comes running down the aisle, totally psyched about something. He stops right next to the action figures and looks at them and says their names and stuff and he was so excited. It was like somebody poured good vibes right into his head or something he was so happy. I beamed for a moment and then moved on. Ok, after the movie then, I met the weirdest people. They were probably my age, sitting in a Starbucks, at 9:40, sipping frapachinos. Wearing Rockhurst shirts. Unless you're local that last bit won't make sense. But still! It's a friday night! I saw a movie with my very nice and attractive friend, and what did they do? Frappachinos. Bleh, it's like coffee for wimps.

In addition, a friend of mine and myself are looking into buying a domain name! Another friend and myself are also looking to start an online comic. I'm pumped. Enjoy the pictures, I'm going to go eat some chips.

Cowboys spell the word frapachino wrong out of blatent disrespect.

Thursday, April 10, 2003

Today was the weirdest/crappiest day ever.

1. I had to give an extemp. speech. 30 minutes to prep and memorize a 7 min. speech on a topic you don't know until you start. It was insane, but my mad skillz helped me to prevail... kindof. It went better then I expected it to. Of course it went good, all the signs were in place. I got dressed in the dark again this morning and it turns out I put on my favoite pair of boxers! (Yes, I do have a favorite pair damnit) Plus I had my lucky euro with me, and I had cold pizza for lunch with just enough change for a soda! Damn right my speech went good. All my good vibes finally paid off ^_^

2. We discted grasshoppers in biology. it was nasty. I almost made my uniform polo into an "Ento-Humanist" statement right there. Why do we feel the need to cut things up when we have diagrams and pictures and so on from people who've already done this? Bleh. I just don't get it.

3. My mom sewed the button back onto my cargo pants. I've been wearing these pants w/o a button for almost half a year now. They fell off once in a while, but at least they were clean. Now they have a button. Its awesome.

4. I was watching Pokemon today, (don't ask, I was still traumatized by the grasshopper incident) and there was this cowboy rancher dude named Ethan. I laughed my ass off, it was so funny. ETHAN!! ha ha.

5. I have no idea why I'm numbering this list.

6. I'm going to see a film of sorts this friday. Get excited.

7. I've got a plan to show up my religion teacher with some super-ultra clash on her radical anti-war views. I know you don't care, but are you taking the time to write this? ...didn't think so.

So that's about it. Anything else you'll just have to make up, because it didn't really happen. Or did it? Ask your god, maybe he knows.

Ethan is a Cowboy!

Monday, April 07, 2003

Ha ha! What a great day, for a number of reasons! Lets talk about them being as though you have nothing better to do rather then read my stupid blog! Before we start though, I'll have you know I typed this entire entry while at the same time testing my m4d 5|<1LLz by balencing a paper weight on my head...

Shower- I was taking my shower today and I accidentally steped on the thing that makes the tub stop draining if you want to take a bath. Except I wanted to take a shower, and its really annoying to be standing in 3 inches of luke-warm water while taking a shower. So what did I do? Just like it was no big deal I pulled the thing back up using my big toe, without looking or anything. It was totally cool.

Zelda- I played an ass-load of Zelda today and it was totally sweet. I got real far and didn't have to use the little guide thingy I bought which always makes we feel good.

Bandits- I got one of my all-time favorite movies on tape today, Bandits. Not only is it cool, but its also funny and semi-meaningful as well.

Ninja Moves- I pulled a killer ninja move today. Nobody was home and I had my window open. I was going into my room, and the door had blown almost closed so I kicked it open. Later the wind tried to blow it closed when I was walking out, and I stopped it with the heel of my hand. It was awesome.

So that's my totally awesome day. Tomorrow I might begin editing on Donkey Basketball: The Movie

Ninjas are mammals, and Cowboys are TOTALLY SWEET.

Thursday, April 03, 2003

OK, hello for the second time to day... in essance. I typed this up 5 minutes ago and it got deleted by my clumsy mousing, so lets try this dance again.

Its spring, which means warmer weather. This means that my room, the addition to the house, heats up like an oven. Litterally. Now, lets delve further into my sad little life while I inform you of the fact that the chair I sit in at the computer is made of a leather-like material. Now this puppy warms up an exponential amount by just sitting in it; couple that with the increased heat and what do you get? Me not wearing pants at the computer for the past week. No kidding. I just can't sit at the computer for long periods with pants on, it gets to warm. I've found it to be freakishly body-heat efficient, and I can't say my family agrees, but hey, what are you gonna do?

Next up is the recent email I revieved. It was entitled "New Spring Fashions at Target.com". Now I know I go to Target a lot, so it shouldn't surprise me that they some how found my E-Mail address, but they must have missed that whole gender thing. I mean really, if it had said "Risque Action Movies and Dangerous Sharp Weapons at Target.com" that might be something I'd click on, but geez, spring fashion? I can't remember ever checking to see if I was "fashionable" before walking out of the house. It's still debateable as to whether this is good or bad, but I like to refer to myself as a work in progress.

Lastly, Operation: Donkey Freedom is tonight, so wish me luck. I'm going to need it.

Cowboys love donkeys, they don't ride them. OR AT LEAST THEY DON'T RIDE THEM WHILE PLAYING BASKETBALL!

Tuesday, April 01, 2003

Hey hey everyone! What's up? Sorry I've been gone so long. Being a Nazi takes work ;) (Remember kids, I'm not really a Nazi. Hell I'm not even aryan.) Anyhoo, I got the movie thing good to go, so here you are:

Episode One in the Search for the Crappiest Movie Ever

First lets go the stuff I had to sift through to find the true crap:

Dangerous Minds
-This movie opened with Coolio's "Gangsta's Prardise"... Even I have limits...
Autopsy Show
-I wanted a crappy movie. This wasn't a movie. but it did have corpses, and scalpels.... yuck.
Turbulence
-I watched this movie for maybe 15 minutes, and it was acutally good. Becuase it was OVER!!!
I could have made a better movie then this in my garage, and at least mine would have had real actors.
Ocean's 11
-This movie is the shit, not shity.
Albino Aligator
-The list stops here

I finally game across Albino Aligator. If anything was going to suck, it was going to be this. I picked up about 20 minutes into the movie, that's pretty early, right? Not with this gem. I had no idea wtf was going on. There was this bitchy cop yelling at people like a lot. It got to the point where I'm just like "Shut up you stupid cop!" Then the camera cut to inside this bar place. These 2 guys in there were taking all the bar patrons hostage or something, and they yelled a lot too.

After more cop yelling and more bad-guy yelling, the old bar tender dude pulls a shotgun out from under the bar and starts shooting at the bad dudes. It was cool until he got his head bashed in. Yuck. So after that, the 2 bad guys have this hurt friend they musta brought with them. He wakes up, and the first thing they do is stick a cigarette in his mouth and light it. I was confused. Next I came to the sudden observation that "Leo" from the West Wing was a bar patron dude, and so was Aragorn from Lord of the Rings! Then I started wondering why they were acting in this piece of shit movie.

Next there was this odd sequence where everyone took turns using the bathroom, and they all gave themselves little pep-talks in the mirror. Same camera angle and everything. Whatever. Then they show the reporter people interviewing the cop from the beginning. Suddenly out of nowhere the guy starts cursing out of his teeth like there's no tomorrow! He did it so the news people couldn't use the footage and would go away, but still, what an ass!

Finally it's explained to us the meaning of the title of the movie, Albino Aligator. To this day I will never understand the signifigance of the stupid little anecdote to this outrageously bad film. That went on with the same shit FOREVER. And in addition to that, the ending SUCKED. Just like this whole movie. I hated the characters, the plot was weak, and I don't even remember what the soundtrack was like, but I'm sure it was bad too. Past all this though, I did keep me interested until the end, so this can't be THE crappiest movie ever... lo, the search continues...

Now, back to normal stuff. I really wanted to type this entry, but my sister brought me a bowl of popcorn, and I really like popcorn. But you can't eat it and type at the same time, because your fingers get all greasy. What did I do? I didn't use my hands. I ate the popcorn like a cat eats catfood. It was both horribly disgusting, and astonishingly efficient. I think I'll do it more often.

Kevin Spacy (Director of Albino Aligator) if most definatly NOT a Cowboy.