Return To The Archives
Return To The Blog

The Blogger Year

This Saga Begins Here

The parade of crap continues!

When Will it END?!

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

Ah ha! Witness the ultimate return of the blog! Todays entry is about summer, because school if finally done!

So I'm planning to do all this crazy stuff this summer.
And you should all know about it! Right.

CRaZY thING #1: The movie at the zoo. This is gonna kick so much ass. A bunch of friends of mine and myself are all going to the zoo, and we're making an improv movie while we're there. It's going to rule even if the flick sucks, because of fact that we're at the zoo.

CRaZY thING #2: Summer boredom tour. Ever worry that your summers frequently waste away to nothing? Me too. Thats why we have this thing. First session is June 10th, 1 oclock. Loose Park. Bring a tennis ball.

CRaZY thING #3: I'm going to learn bamboo sword fighting with stephan this summer. We're going to become ninjas.

CRaZY thING #4: Making a video game with Jeff. With ninja-multiplayer action!

CRaZY thING #5: Monkey sex with tanner.

CRaZY thING #6: Make some totally rad websides. Including: Cowboy Bebop: The Online Jam Sessions; and Donnie Darko: Explained! Plus, I'm teaching my cousin how to program websites, and she's teaching me Japanese. Super-rad!

CRaZY thING #7: Get a job at the computer store. I hope. Please..?!

CRaZY thING #8: Order more toy firearms from This Place

CRaZY thING #9: Watch every single movie I own.

CRaZY thING #10 Make a real movie with a plot.

CRaZY thING #11: More monkey sex with tanner.

So thats about it. I'm really going to try and do every single one of those things this summer. Because they are all cool. And I'll write about every single one. Now that schools out, I'll have a lot more time for putting random things on the blog!

Thursday, May 22, 2003

After another exciting day full of finals and last standard class periods, I have something to bitch and moan about!

Ok, have you ever noticed that orange juice tastes good with absolutly nothing? I mean even though people drink it with all kinds of weird stuff, it never actually tastes that great because its acidic properties counteract the majority of the solid foods we eat. Weird huh?

And another thing, what's up with all this colored food?! I mean green ketchup, pink and blue butter? Who the HELL buys this stuff. Its like when people got color TV, except this isn't TV, its food. Which has had color for like, a long time. So what's the deal?!

Today I used a unit of measurement called a 'Fuckload'. Then Ethan said something. While ignoring him, I began to think... which kind of hurt at first, but then I wondered, what exactly is a fuckload? Is it some kind of other unit used in a metric-like system, or does it designate a certain level of intense radioactivity, or what? I dunno. For now I just think it means a lot, but if you by some strange happening do know what a fuckload is, then please, email me and tell me!

So our Bio teacher gave us Tootsie Roll Pops because it was our last class with her and she's pretty nice so she gave us candy. As I was enjoying the suggary treat, noticed that the wrapper had the ingredients on it. Then I realized that I knew what none of this shit was, so I decided to go and find out...

Corn Syrup-
Um, its what makes the sugar sticky I think...
Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil-
"Consuming partially hydrogenated oils is like inhaling cigarette smoke. They will kill you -- slowly, over time, but as surely as you breathe. And in the meantime, they will make you fat! " The fuck? I got that from here. Click for more info...
Citric Acid-
"Substances that in aqueous form taste sour, change blue litmus red, react with bases to form salts and react with metals to release hydrogen. Acid molecules have at least one hydrogen cation (H+) attached to an anion (-). Acids are broken up into 2 groups, inorganic and organic. " Sure...
Soya Lecithin-
I couldn't find out anything about this, much less how to pronounce it. I found one website that had pictures of chemical refineries in the background, and another that sold this shit pure. I'm so confused.

So that about does it for the totsie roll pop. Throw in some artificial flavoring and colors, and you have possibly the single most lethal piece of edible sugar ever produced. I fucking love America...

If a cowboy drank partially hydrogenated soybean oil instead of smoking cigarettes, would it have that same 'cool' effect?

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

Little things happened today. 1. I had a paper proped up in front of the computer screen at school. Not thinking, I pressed 'Windows Key' + D to minimize all. I expected the paper to get off the screen like the rest of the open windows. When it didn't I tried to click it... realizing my error I ran off and bashed my head into a metal pike.

2. I used the word 'exclamitory' in a sentance in my U.S. Government class the other day. Someone asked me where I learned such big words. I once again resorted to the pike.

3. If the blog suddenly disappers one day, don't be scared. Either A) I'm in the process of transfering it, or B) I tooke a pike to this fucking computer.

Get your own pike cowboy, this one's mine.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

Ok, today is a short post. Not much to say.

I haven't been taking 'blog notes' and because of my extreme short term memory, I don't remember anything funny that happened so sorry.

One thing I will tell you though is that the Real Nazi List is growing exponentially. Thanks to all you who posted, lets expose those facists for who they really are! Yea. Erm... yeah. So any way, please submit to the list because it gives me something to do. Finals are coming up soon as well, so I'll either have some really great stuff to talk about or nothing at all.

...What, no cowboy thing at the end?

Saturday, May 17, 2003

HOLY CRAP! If you ever read my blog before, you should remember 'American Ninja' from the April 30th update. If you don't, check the archives or whatever, and read up on American Ninja.

Now that you're up to date, guess what I JUST SAW! American Ninja 2: The Confrontation. No way! I said. Way said my TV. The coolest shitty movie ever has a sequel!! I was hyped. In short, Joe Armstrong (they gave him a last name! In AN1 he was 'just Joe') the end-all-be-all fighter, Hardcore-US-Army fused with Ass-Kicking-Ninja and his very buff african american cronie Jackson take off to bust some shit. They're after a drug lord making cyborg ninja assassination clone dudes. Shyeah, right I said. But it was true. Joe and Jackson whooped it up as always, and the acting sucked, as always, and I totally dug it. ^_^

So I'm typing some stuff this morning, and I rest my elbow on the window sill, since my chair lacks arm rest. I look over there, and to my horror I realize that the paint on the window sill is all chipped off. In my panic, I rub the edges to see if the rest is all loose. Then, I realize that the 'hole' in the paint isn't a hole at all. Its like a big deposit of elbow greese (ironic isn't it). I cleaned it off with my home made cleaning fluid (spit) and my special ionized wipe cloth (kleenex). All was well.

After that, I was playing with some canned air, and I realized that that shit has the same smell as nail polish remover. Kinda makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Now I'm listening to the radio. Its dance mix night on the radio station that plays rad 80's music. It suddenly came to me that 'dance-mix' is just the song with the beat played over and over on annoying percusion in the background. It then come to me once more that the 'dance-mix' was invented for people who can't find the real underlying beat in a song and need it made annoyingly obvious just so they can 'dance' to it. It's defacing perfectly good songs, which makes me both angry and sick.

Now, the other day I promised something about making fun of Nazi's. Well, its done. I give you: Real Nazi List v1.0. Its a form where you can submit someone who you think is evil and bad and promotes nazi-ism. We'll put them on a big list, and then everyone can go and point and laugh and pity and make fun of the mean people. Because they suck. Enjoy.

Finally, tonight I'm going to watch the Hudsucker Proxy. Don't let the name fool you, this movie isn't about adhesives or something dirty, its just really odd. Its one of those movies you've never heard of, but would totally love if you saw it. So go rent it. Because its cool like that.

American Ninja 3: Birth of the American Cowboy Ninja.

Thursday, May 15, 2003

Lets start with todays random expidition into the internet:

Real Toy Guns!

That company claims they'll send you a free toy gun if you put their link on your site. I have done this, and I'll soon mail them the money for the shipping. I'm getting a free gun damnit.

Moving on...
Yesterday I killed like 5 bugs. It was gross.

  1. I got a gnat with the back of my hand at school
  2. Another gnat got sucked into the field of static electricity surrounding my monitor. *Squish*
  3. One of those blood bugs was on my mini-blinds. Those guys are messy...
  4. ANOTHER gnat on my computer screen...
  5. A little something crawled up the drain in my sink... ew. *Squish* *rinse*

It was so nasty.

Next, we have me choking. I had to take some meds for my acne *crowd boos* called 'sulfa' pills. These sob's are huge. And they're powdery, couple that with the natural saliva in your mouth, and they stick like no other! I got one halfway down and it just kinda... stoped. I tried again. It hurt, and about here I realized I couldn't breath. So I hit myself in the back of the head, and the pill kinda gets dislodged, but I'm still lacking oxygen!! I'm freaking out about now, so I just beat the hell out of the back of my head. I try to swallow one more time, and the thing finally goes down. I went to bed with THE gorssest tates in my mouth... taste like sulfa... whatever the hell that is.

Next, we have the water test. People used to explain to me that the reason dogs could drink out of the toilet was because the water in there was same as the water in the faucet. I never blieved them, so I put this theory to the test. 1 cup of tap water. 1 cup of water form the outside hose. 1 cup of water from the shower. (You didn't really think I'd drink from the toilet, did you?) Tap got best, hose second, shower last. Gross gross gross. Put this under the multiple reasons I'm glad I'm not a dog.

Today, someone threw a bar of soap at me. I mean, what the hell!? After a particularly interesting gym class at that. I was standing there, cold and without my shirt, thinking about how if I got neumonia I could totally sue the school, for making me be a 'skin'. So anyhoo, I'm getting kinda bored. I can play somethings like basketball or soccer, but 'AngleBall' I really just don't do. So I'm standing there, trying half-heartedly to look like I'm doing something. Then I think to myself "If you're going to do nothing, why not at least enjoy it?" So, I walk over to two of my friends that are talking. I hardly get a god damn sentance out of my mouth before I hear Eller get all "YOU THREE, OVER ON THE STAGE" After making the split second decision as to either A) Say FUCK YOU COACH! or B) go sit on the stage. I chose B. So anyhoo, after engrossing conversation NON-STOP with Ben, which got real old real quick, the hour ended, and I went back downstairs. So I'm once again standing there, minding my own business, and all of a sudden
Someone threw soap at my head. It hurt until 6th hour. So angry...

So that about covers it. Please click the link above and support the free trade of realistic arms to children.

Cowboys support the 2nd Amendment!
You should encourage your children to do likewise!

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

OK, I finally got enough crazy stuff for a new blog entry, and then I have to go do fizucking homework.

So we're talking about premarital sex in religon today (premarital sex is so much fun to say...) and I tried to somehow work ninjas into this conversation. What came out of it was Ninja Sex. This somehow involves swords... yup. Still not sure how exactly, but it does... ANOTHER reason why ninjas are totally sweet.

After Buffy the Vampire Slayer, one of my rare live-action addiction shows, theres this really bad show called Platinum. I HATE that show. The undelying theme is: People from all ethnic sterotypes, mainly black and white people, are united under the universal umbrella of humanity that is... RAP MUSIC!!!! Get excited....not.

Ok, next is my day. Today we had reverse schedule, where you go to 7th hour first, 6th hour second, and so on. I made a little map of what happened, Check it. and here's the narration that goes with the picture.

First I have biology. Not a bad class. For the second time ever, I got to see the dolphin movie thats narrated by Pierce Brosnan! James Bond talks to Dolphins! It's super cool.

Second is Forensics. Today, we talked about how Ninjas are totally sweet and can flip out whenever they want and kill people via head slicing. I still can't spell.

Third, English. They gave us the final review sheet for this class. I am SO screwed.

Fourth, Religion. We were going over scenarios about morality and shit, and SOMEHOW got to thinking about how I should make a movie about an airplane that crashes into another dimension where Christianity is like the government. (AKA hell).

Time for Lunch. They combined the 3rd and 4th lunches, so there were all these people. I had to eat in the hall and our table was crammed. It was the shit.

Gym. Ethan can dunk. Not really, but I felt like drawing him in that Michel Jordan pose. And yes Ethan, I gave you a square head on purpose.

Governement. Nothing EVER happens in this class. You know when you eat the same thing over and over and over and over again? Take that, multiply it times a whole GOD DAMN SEMESTER and then you'll know how monotanous U.S. Government is.

Math. Thats ms sandner. with a swastica on her shirt. because she's a nazi. I hate that woman. that's why I didn't give here a head and I'm not using proper capitalization in this sentance.

So, thats about it. Sorry for lack of content, but I've got a cool feature ready for next time. It involves the making fun of Nazi's. Yup.

Premarital Sex: 1$ for a condom.
Premarital Ninja Sex: 1$ for a condom, 400$ for authentic pair of bushito.
Cowboy Sex: Priceless.

Saturday, May 10, 2003

Yea. Special Birthday Edition of Blog. Today I am 15 years old. This day only comes around once a year, so I might as well enjoy it. Or at least try to.

Yesterday though, some weird stuff happened. I'm sitting in my U.S. Gov't. class, and I feel this itch on my eye. All of a sudden, my right eye twitches, and I wink at Mr. Harkins, the teacher. He then gives me this weird look back like "what the hell". I then compulsivly twitch both eyes, as to say "no, I'm not winking. its a twitch". That man will probably never see me as normal ever again.

Next, on peoples lockers, (select, special, team sport people) there were signs that read "Don't forget to eat your wheaties!" So I'm all like yeah, wheaties are good for you and stuff, whatever. Only then I look closer, and see that there are breakfast cereal things taped to the sign. Only, they're not wheaties. They're corn flakes.

The hell? If you say wheaties, at least tape a real wheatie on there, I mean come ON. If I'm going to be an ass, I'd better be a good one. If I'm going to steal a car, I'd better get a good car. And if I'm going to make a sign about cereal, I might as well GET THE RIGHT ONE! Geez, these people have no respect for the dignity of work any more...

I don't suppose I've told you all about my aluminum tension rod. AKA my stick. I am really, really, lazy. So when I got this stick, I was all excited. I could close my door without even getting up out of my computer chair. I could hit people without even touching them. I keep the stick right next to my desk, and today I just kind of realized what life would be like without the stick. I mean, I've grown to accustomed to just pulling this bad boy out and having things happen (doors close, people get hit), but if it was gone... I'd be just another nerdy kid who doesn't leave his computer...

Lastly, the coolest thing happened to me yesterday. Me and a friend were coming back from a bike ride, and we stopped in the local computer shop so I could snag a job application. So we're in there, and theres this dude in front of us. I'm pretty sure he was gay, and I only say that because he was wearing Versachi Jeans... and a headband... and two ear rings... and leather boots. And his voice was really high and all, but you get the point. The fact that he was gay is irrelevant because this dude just handed me a stick of RAM, computer memory. He had to get a new motherboard, and it took a different type of ram, so he had no use for his old ram. He gave it to me. As of yesterday, my computer had 128 MB of ram. It was good, it did the job. However, after gay man gave me a stick of 256 for absolutly free, I now have *adds* 384 MB of RAM! w00t. Now my computer runs 3x as fact... so Gay Man, where ever you are... thank you... *sniff*

So thats about it. Wish me good birthday vibes, and wish Gay Man good vibes too!

User not Identified as Cowboy - - LogIn-Account.Status: Terminated.

Monday, May 05, 2003

Woah! I am so sorry everyone. I haven't gone this long without blog in a while. Well fear not! I have returned. As usual, weird shit happened to me and now I'm going to write about this, so lets get it over with so I can get off my fake leather chair and put my pants back on.

Lets start with the last interesting thing that happened: State Festival at KCK Community College. More debate/forensic nerd stuff, the important thing was what I found there. In their little college newspaper deal, the had an article about a guy who blogged from Iraq. It was all meaningful and blah blah blah war is sad blah blah blah, but the important thing was the headline. In big bold letters: Blogging from Hell. I saw this and imediatly though... hmmmmm.... though.... Runtime Error 0003287: Process:Thought Failed to pass Subroutine:StartUp. OH YEAH! Wouldn't that look cool on my door?! So I taped it on my door. You can see a graphic representation here. That being said, let's move onward.

Hank, my friend, who is the illustrator for our comic, says hello.

Children Hired by Tom for this very Purpose:Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii Hank!

Sunday's Food Drive: I needed the mad service hours so I can graduate Freshman year, so I decided to go to my cousin & friend's church's food drive. My cousin was sick, but me and my friend had plenty of fun with the weird foods people brought in.

Fancy Cut-
How can you cut something fancy?! And apparently everything can be cut in a "Fancy Fashion". What the hell? I saw fancy cut corn, fancy cut green beans, hell even a 50 lb. bag of fancy cut RICE!!! For the love of god even the Camme's in China are cutting things fancy. (And it was Chinese rice btw, that wasn't a racial slur *cough*ETHAN*cough*).
Irregular Peaches-
If you were to GOOD for 'regular' peaches, we have ones that are Irregular. How you define something as reg. or irreg. I dunno. Apparently though, the $ave Brand Peach Co. has managed to do it. My thanks go out to you, you've helped millions of STUPID PEOPLE with a problem that DOESN'T EXIIST!!
Fresh things are to expensive, but Freshlike, well thats no problem. I'm dead serious, I saw a can of Freshlike Corn. I felt really sorry for poor people... or at least moreso than usual, becuase idiots bring them space food made for atstronauts. ASTRONAUTS!
SPAM, not the junk e-mail, but the food. It's the satanic, evil cousin of Rubik's Cube. That's how nasty this stuff is (think of April 30th's on second thought, don't... *cries of pain* to late.)... not that bad, but pretty bad. Well someone found Spam righteous enough (which its NOT) to get is own rip-off brand! Treet brand Ham Flavored Lunch Meat. With real "Smoke Flavor". So its fake ham, with fake smoke... *dream-sequence* People mashing cigarette butts into plastic ham...*end-dream-sequence*. Yuck....

Hoo. End of the food rant. For now. After the food drive thing though, we went to take the food to the pantry place. on the way we saw something I can't even begin to forumlate with words... Think 2 SUVs, a School Bus, and a Gas Station. All 3 of which have the Kansas City Police Dept. Logo on them. SUV's are one thing. A gas station is another (patrol cars guzzle gas just like the rest of us) but a SCHOOL BUS?! I would die a happy man seeing the Police Bus in action. Maybe its for Police School or something...

After we got back, we went inside the Church and ate at the Church Sponsored lunch thing. It was good, plus free. They could have fed me anything, as long as its free, its better than nothing. Unless its poison, that wouldn't be good... or maybe you could take the poison, sneak into the White House SNAP. Oh, right. So we're eating the food, and the crowd gets real quiet because this lady is gonna talk, and we here this little kid say:

And when I grow up I'm going to get a knife and cut their heads off! *Laughs and makes cutting motions*

Rock for child-murderers. w00t.

This morning presented another anomoly to me. My slob-ness. The other day, I was cleaning my room cause my dad gave me this big schpeel about how WE DON'T LIVE IN SQUANDER AND WE'RE NOT WHITE TRASH. Psh, maybe you aren't dad, but as for me... So yeah, room cleaning. I must have put my shoes away?! Why, I'm not sure. I always leave my shoes in some vacinity of the floor, so I can trip over them in the middle of the night. I do these things on purpose you know... Getting to the point. I spent almost 15 minutes off-and-on looking for my shoes this morning. Under the couch, down in the basement, my front porch, everywhere; except the closet. I ran up to get my pants, ironically, and found them in the closet with my shoes. I felt stupid all the way to school. Then I realized I was going to ask my math teacher about group theory, which boosted my nerd-ness and in turn made me feel better.

So that's about it. My ass has fallen asleep, so I'm going to put my pants back on, get off the fake leather chair, and go down and fix me a sandwhich.

Children Hired by Tom for this Other Purpose: See You, Space Cowboy! ^_^