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08/09/2003 Archived Entry: "Life Got in the Way"

ummm... Smells. Sometimes smells are great, and sometimes they're just about the nastiest thing out there. but in actuality, smell doesn't really get what its due, its kinda looked upon as the rogue sense. For instance: If you walked up to someone and said 'Boy you look good'- no big deal. If you walked up to someone and said 'You have a pretty voice' - no big deal. 'Your skin is so soft, and your pores are so small!' -little weird... but still. BUT if you walked up to a random person and says 'Jesus Mary and Joseph you smell good!' You'd definatly get kicked or at least looked at funny.

[don't even bring up how we'd work taste into a scenario like that...]

So yeah. I got some stuff to say about smells. My dad brought my home this little plastic model of the empire state building from his business trip. It came in this little plastic box thing, and I realized that the little box was probably sealed in New York, and hadn't been opened since. Excited about this, I began to wonder what New York smelled like. I pop open the little box thing: trust me, its nothing to brag about. but it was still pretty cool like smelling another city without having to actually go there.

And then there are people-smells. Not like BO or any of that, but just regular smells. Everyone has their own subtle little scent, even if you don't pay attention to that kinda thing, trust me, it's there. Whats been bothering me though is I want to smell my smell. Now you all are probably like gee tom you're stupid. You smell your smell all the time so you just thing its normal non-smell. but I'd like to smell my smell from an objective point of view.

[I'm not some smell-obsessed psycho... I just have a lot of time to think...]

Speaking of time, I've got a lot of that. I spend far to much time on the internet, which is really sad. I could be out fighting for world hunger, or leading some well-meaning protest group, or like saving baby kitens from burning buildings or something. But no, I'm here staring at a piece of glass encomapssed by a beigh [i have no idea how to spell or pronounce that word] box. Then I realized that without my stupid little box I would truly be some sick kind of recluse. I don't call people on the phone, I don't frequently go outside unless I have a reason, so I'd probably not see much of anyone. So thank you internet for giving us nerds a useable node of communication. We will repay you by becoming your populus and your livelihood for existance.

Now I have two really interesting stories about the bathroom. While I am in both, neither is actually about me, so just go along with it.

Story #1: So we just finished with the omaha zoo, and then we went to applebees. Hot damn. I got a Cowboy Burger [no shit. that's what it's actually called] and when I was finished I decided I had to go to the bathroom to... you know... use the bathroom, wash my hands... all that good stuff. So anyway, bathroom procedures go all good, and I walk out to find this little kid fighting his mother and 2 sisters who are trying to drag him into the ladies room. He kept saying he's gonna 'hold it until dad got back' so he could use the guys toilet. Little guy, if you ever read this, I totally feel for you and I will help to pay your thereapy at age 30 because crap like that will definatly give you problems later on...

Story #2: Target, my favorite place in the world, has bathrooms! and thank god they do. I'd just dranken like 2 gatorade-bottles worth of water when my mom says 'we're going to target!'. So I get there. I hit the toy aisle, I hit the hardware aisle, I hit the electronics aisles. Then I all of a sudden like really have to go. So I find the target bathrooms which are pretty shitty, but most people don't really care, as long as they have a place to go [that's my theory anyway]. So whatever, I finish up, and its all good, and I'm standing by the door, drying my hands on one of those crappy cardboard-colored paper towels, and the door swings open. Standing there is a middle aged chick with 2 little kids. We look at eachother for about 5 seconds. I wave dumbly and say 'yo'. She gasps, spins around screaming 'sorrysorrysorry' and ducks into the ladies room with her kids. I giggled and walked off. Bathroom lady, if you're reading this, don't sweat it. It happens to the best of us.

Then we have Colin Farrel. I used to hate this guy with such blind rage it was crazy. I just really didn't care for him. A few days ago though, I saw him on Conan O'Brien. Colin was a really good guy on that show. Funny too. So Colin, you've redeemed yourself in my eyes. Now if the other 98 million people I hate would please step up and follow his lead, we might be done before I'm old and gray. or grey. [It depends upon how CANADIAN you are].

Now we move on to the grand saga that is the Omaha Zoo Trip. My mother and father decided we needed family bonding or some shit like that and that we had to go to a Zoo to obtain this mythical 'bonding'. So we did.

I made a little list of interesting things [besides animals] that I noticed. I'm not going to go through all the animals cause everyone's seen a zoo and it would be pointless. So on the way down there we went through downtown KC. I love downtown with all the crazy big buildings and the large quantity of people that are somehow down there all the time. I love it...

We also drove by a Ramada inn hotel thing. All the shades of all the rooms were open, and in each one was a little tiny lamp. This made me smile. it was a Lamp Grid. [gimmie a break, it was like 9:30... which is early for me]. Then I heard that annoying Mr. Goodcents commercial which made me really mad. You know that one about the mini subs? Blah. it sucks and it makes me one to incinerate one of my arms with matchsticks.

Next I thought about driving. I used to be totally hyped to drive. Then I had drivers ed, which kinda stifled my interest, but still, I was pretty excited. Not anymore... almost every night since driver's ed ended I've been having horrific dreams about me crashing cars. Like I can't make it go slow enough or fast enough then *boom*. I get smashed and dead. And this isn't some re-occuring dream, its a new one everynight which has gotten to be really disturbing. I remember how they used to tell us 'don't be statistics and get in an accident blah blah blah.' This gave me a bitching idea for halloween. I want a costume like that monster at the end of that really, really old game for windows 3.1 called 'Ski Free'. And in that costume I will run around screaming "I AM the statistic! ph34r!"

Then I saw all these fields and thought like what it'd be like if a giant finger felt them. It'd probably feel like velvet or something, cause the corn stalks would be pretty soft to a finger that big. Then I wonderd what would happen if someone picked up the earth. If the planet stopped spinning and we were all of a sudden subject to the gravity of another plane of existance... Well, the oceans would slam into the land, cause the fingers would displace lots of water, and then we'd being to fall south. You'd fall down on your back, and begin to slide south, at like near-sound speeds. It would suck.

At the zoo there was one of those things that you throw coins into and they spiral downwards for a long time. These kids were so impressed by it, and I came to realize that it was just a big, waterless toilet. That's all those things are.

Then we were at this bridge thing where you could feed the fish. My sister asked if we should feed the fish, and we all said no. Then I said to her: "Erin, feeding the fish is a lot like watching other people feed the fish. The only differance is you still have your quarter." It made me realize how stupid I must have been as a child.

So thats about it. To wrap things up, we have todays most excellent and most random quote:

jenny gottsch: i bet udont no who this is.
Daemon1330: i bet you have a tail.

I went to the zoo looking for cowboys;
but all I found were cows...

Replies: 3 Buddies Neglected Their Oral Hygiene

Xanga is for losers who can't remember URLs or don't know how to BOOKMARK THINGS! and who also like SELLING OUT AND CONFORMING!

By the way, I do what I want. With or WITHOUT the support of 'I'mInBedWithXanga' Tim Martin.

So there.

[I really do love you tim... but I love ad-free blogs better.]

Posted by IamNotTimMartinsBitch @ 08/12/2003 07:52 PM CST

"Like I can't make it go slow enough or fast enough then *boom*. " I don't think that you can ever make it fast enough.

I thought about buying one of those toilet for coins and putting it at a public place like a busy park, put on my headphones and start reading and watch the money flow in. The only reason why non kids would do it is because the coin toilets automatically infer that it's for a charity, but it really isn't. I guess that everyonceandawhile i'll give it to charity though.

Tom I think that you need to get xanga, not matter how much you hate it or whatever. I know you probably think of it as conforming, but I really think that myself and others could read it more often if you did. Because I've only read your blog twice because I keep on forgetting that you have one seperate from xanga. If you get livejournal I won't read it.

Posted by Tim Martin @ 08/10/2003 12:45 PM CST

You're already a stastic. You drive a car. You follow car rules, you're just like everyone else driving to the destination no one cares about. Go on a 4 lane stop light and watch all the people against you make a left turn. Look in the windows. Pretty aren't they.

Filthy humans.

Posted by J @ 08/09/2003 05:44 PM CST