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11/27/2003 Archived Entry: "Shake It Up"

Alright. I know this will amaze and astound you, but I've already got another entry, a mere 2 days after the past one. It's reiniscent of the olden days, when I'd post obsessively, consecutively, DAY AFTER DAY. Only differance being, the more recent posts have content... and cowboys.

This is the special Thanksgiving-edition blog that none of you will read because you all have lives and family and so on and so forth. Regardless, here is the Holiday blog, powered by my lack of creativity coupled with the suggary goodness of M&Ms and Sour Starbursts; [both fine products of the Mars candy corporation, I might add. Yes, I am a fucking tool, but lets get on with this].

We were out at the Jones Store last night. I realized why my family sledom takes me anywhere in public anymore. The new fad is apparently to have a single letter on something. Towels, handbags, planners, wallets, whatever. And they had a lot too. So what did I do? I re-arranged the stock so that the wallets spelled out 'a-s-s' and the purses said 's-u-c-k [next row] i-t'. Then I quickly walked away to the jewlery department. Which didn't make much sense. I don't have any money to buy anything for anyone, and I have a tendancy to eat small objects.

The 'JLo' brand of shit was large and hoopy. Big fuckin suprise there....

Cubit Zirconium. Fake diamonds. They come in this cheesy ass plastic box with facets on it. I love how the advertise the fact that its fake. Note to all future 'partners' of mine: No, they're not real. They're cubit-whatsit. Sorry for being such a tightwad. *Sigh* apathy is amazingly convenient.

So we come home tonight and mom tells me to throw away our pumpkin. Our HALLOWEEN pumpkin. Ethan told me one morning that it had oral cancer. I laughed, then looked. Our pumpkin had oral cancer to the MAX. But tonight I learned something else. Oral-Cancer-Ridden-Halloween-Pumpkins are tasty treats for this little bastards. What are Slugs?

Thats right AlexTrabeck-SansMoustache.

It was really, absurdly disgusting.

Then I came back inside, came upstairs, and hung up my black jacket that I wear every day of my sad life. Then I sat down, and took of my shoes. And I stopped and realized I'd been re-enacting the 'Mr. Rodgers' intro. God bless that man. He rocked hard...

Lets talk about tuesday. That day in morality Mr. Sailler, being the smartass that he is, asked our class 'Who here is fearless?' I, being the smartass that I am, raised my hand. I got picked. He hands me this paper and tells me to go to the faculty room/teacher's lounge whatever and tell them its an emergency. An emergency that we need 10 copies. I don't think that fits the tailored suit of the word 'emergency', but I went with it anyway. 5 minutes later I stalk into the faculty room and yell, fairly loudly:

"I HAVE AN EMERGENCY" *dramatic pause* "Can someone get me 10 copies of this... please?"

I don't think I'll be going in that room for a while. Or ever again.

Rachel Klem and myself were contemplating [not having] cyber sex the other day; and what exactly is so alluring about it. We've come up with the following list of things that make cyper sex great:

{INSERT FUCKING NULL-SET}

That's right. Nothing. There's no point. At least with pRon you can see... stuff, and radio porn you can hear... more stuff [is there such thing as radio porn? if not, why not?], but cyber sex is just words. Like an improv romantic novel, except worse, because it's angsty teenagers probably getting off to this stuff. The entire concept is emensely pathetic. If I had a dime for every im I've gotten from a 19/f/UCLA chick who wants the fuck over the net, I'd have about 30 cents. Regardless, my question to these people is: DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!

I am like... not the kind of person people point at and think about having sex with. I just don't fall into that category. Since then I've been pulling the more mild pictures I find under the google search for 'ugly people' and saving them in a folder marked '19-f-UCLA' for the very purpose of warding off cyber-sex-pervs. I mean really people...

On the topic of pathetic things people do, how about Smoking/Drugs/Alcohol? I was scared that I might somehow be over come by their powers of evil, but with the help of Rachel Klem, I've realize I'm StraitEdgeXCore4Life.

Drugs-
These fucker's take effort to procure. I have trouble getting motivated to go to bed and take a shit, I don't think anything would drive me to going out of my way to do something lame and moronic.

Alcohol-
For chrissakes I can't even spell the word. I had to look it up on google to write this entry. Booze is alright in moderation, so maybe I might get a little into this, but I doubt it. Not being able to stay up until 3:42 in the morning would suck, so maybe I'll stick with insomnia as opposed to the liquir spirits.

Tobacco-
Allow me to recount this supposed conversation with myself while smoking:

"Hey Tom?"
What, Voice-In-My-Head?
"You're sucking on a stick of ass"
*throws cigarette away*
"Hey Tom..."
WHAT?!
"You haven't gotten any in 5 years"
I know. I'm working on that.

Watch that happen. Yay for the logic behind not smoking. Boo for not getting any.

And thus ends the holiday edition. We started at the Jones Store and ended up with drugs and me as a schizofrenic. If only every national celebration went this well...

Cowboys encourage the intoxicated people to drink more.
Stumbling drunks are easier to cap.

Replies: 6 Buddies Neglected Their Oral Hygiene

do people really hate their own country? i realize we have freedom of speech, because i disagree with some aspects of the government and such, along with just about every other citizen; however, i know people that really do speak negatively on literally every aspect of America, and repeatedly say it's a horrible country. but if you live here...shouldn't you be loyal and work to improve the US instead of complaining? just a thought...

i always think it'd be beneficial for these people to go live in the old iraq or north korea or something. see how they like communism and oppression. (meaning, hey, if they whined about that government, they'd be toasted.)

[no sean, i'm not talking about you. your comment just reminded me of girls at sion talking about this.]

^_^ ~Allegra

Posted by Allegra @ 12/01/2003 07:09 PM CST

death to america!

...

er...

Eh? Why not... It kills other countries...

[I've been on the road fourteen hours today; it does stuff to you]

Posted by sean @ 11/30/2003 11:34 PM CST

tom you make me laugh. so i'll let you keep paula

Posted by Kate @ 11/29/2003 08:55 PM CST

Best. Blog. Ever. Go get a job application from something awful or something. They desperately need fresh material.

Posted by J @ 11/27/2003 10:05 PM CST

tom, you are a fucking genius. i love you for that wallet/purse thing. gosh, your intellect amazes me. not to mention your sense of humor.

funny you should mention the whole drugs/alcohol/cigarrettes thing, and the [cyber] sex thing. my cousin and grandma and i were talking about all of the suckie crap teenagers have to deal with these days. my grandma doesn't really get it...but my cousin and i understood each other.

five years, eh? hm....no comment.

jeez, you have no idea how much i just laughed. i don't have to do my sit ups tomorrow, because i got a freaking ab workout right here...wow.

yay for cowboys with a god damn amazing personality, even if they don't think they're hot shit. [hee hee that was on so many different levels there...]

i <3 radiskull!

~Allegra

Posted by Allegra @ 11/27/2003 04:19 AM CST

ride the pie nani

Posted by r-unit @ 11/27/2003 04:15 AM CST