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12/04/2003 Archived Entry: "Borderline"

To start off, this is the last you people will hear from me until sometime around Sunday. At 9:30 tomorrow I'm getting in a vehicle and going to Pittsburg, KS to participate in a debate tournament of unpreccedented proportions [for me anyway]. Anyhow, I'll be staying the night there, and get back late Saturday, at which point I'll most likely collapse in a heap on the floor.

That being said, on with the show:

Tonight my parents decided was a good night for them to fulfil one of my sisters all-time dreams of existance: She wanted to ride in those Cinderella-Style Horse Carriges on the Plaza. Because I'm such a good bastard child, I got dragged along for the ride. We ate at this Panera place that was really good, but then came the horse fiasco.

I don't know about you, but standing in the cold of winter for 30 minutes to get a 20 minute ride around a city you've already seen, in a vehicle that has the stability of a chicken-wire fence, being dragged by an animal that has less than agreeable scents, is most definatly not my idea of a good time. What did I do? Smiled and went along with it.

I'm the good bastard-child, remember?

During our short lived trip, while trying not to inhale the poinent smell of horse shit, I was pondering past events of my life, and I came to one such annecdote that I will tell you now: Back in the 1st grade, even in my early, early youth, I was a lazy piece of shit. We had to do like these addition worksheets, 10 problems on a hard day. I, however, didn't feel like doing it one day, so I went and asked my teacher if I could take it home and finish it later. My exact words were something like:

"...you know, like 'homework'?"

While the motives were nonetheless surpising, I am now, looking back on it, appaled at my stupidity. I asked for homework! I must have eaten some lead-based mini-blinds or something, because that was really, really stupid of me. On the other hand, the resulting irony is, at the very least, amusing.

Switching gears, let's revert back to a few weeks ago with the Miege debate tournament. I was a Timers Chair, so I got to sort through all the timekeeping forms. On the last day, a straggler form came in, with no debater name on it, just a single, ominous name. A name which I will disclose to you momentarily, but first:

Back at Vis in like 7th or 8th grade, Paul Gottsch and I were in a class with a sub named Mrs. McGaw. Psycho-hose beast to say the least. She'd always ramble on about how she lost her hearing listening to her 'rock-and-roll' music to loud. Psh, as if... Anyhow, as Gottsch and Hogan are close to one another in the alphabet, Paul was sitting next to me. Mrs. McGaw inquired to us one day if we, note we, were at all related to the Martucci [Mar-two-chee] Family. We promptly said no because we had no idea who the hell those people were. Afterwards though, it became the running joke for a few days that Paul and Myself were the infamous 'Martucci Brothers'. Paul even used the fake alias of one 'Billy Martucci' around people he didn't care for, so they didn't really know who he was.

Low and behold, I have, right now in my posession, a timer form from one Billy Martucci! Needless to say, this freaked me out to no end when I found that Billy was apparently a real person! So I know put this on you, my loyal readers, all 2 of you, to go forth, and FIND BILLY MARTUCCI. I must meet this person and find out if he really is as... as... existant, as existant as he seems. Or something. I'll buy lunch for anyone who can find this kid and set me up a meeting.

Now on to CBS's fat-guy-hot-chick night. What the fuck, you might say, are you talking about, Tom? Well I will tell you. Look at all the following:

Now, we use the term fat-guy-hot-chick night to refer to the fact that in every one of these shows, either a rather large man, a rather neurotic man, or a rather annoying man, is married to a very 'hot' wife. Not to be derrogitory, but my modern standards, these women could all be safely called 'hot'. We then beg the question: Why? What could possibly have caused these match ups? Are we to just assume that the relationships run more than skin-deep? Like hell they do. Look at modern soceity if you don't believe me. The pretty people breed with the other pretty people. Thats why I think 'celebrity' should be a designated racial background. But I digress.

The best part is, we watch a lot of these shows with regularity. It's just ironic that they all have highly unprobable marrital situations. They're good funny shows, while all grossly similar, but its better than watching 'America Makes Asses of Themselves on TV [Part VII]' on Fox.

You know I can't sneeze anymore? Not like a normal person. A long time ago I found out that I could like... stop the sneeze. I would just make a small 'huff' noise and go on with things. This way I avoided embaressing excretion of a certain bodily mucus. Thats all find and well, except I can no longer sneeze the regular disgusting way. Also, [From Calvin and Hobbes], if you close your eyes, plug your ears, hold your nose, and shut your mouth, and sneeze, would your head explode? I've been dying to try...

I've also made a habbit of using the auto-fill text thing that InternetExplorer has. It pisses me because conveniences like that cause me to get even lazier and I just get used to typing in 4 letters and finding exactly what I want. I turned if off now so that I will become hardcore URL typer. Or just a bigger nerd... its all the same in the end.

SO that's about all I have for today. Feedback is appreciated, and I'll bring back some good stories from Pittsburg, KS. Go-rillas... or whatever.

TV audiences have expressed interest in a Cool-Cowboy-Hot-Chick line of programming. Where is the corporate machine when you need it?

Replies: 16 Buddies Neglected Their Oral Hygiene

two weeks....

Posted by sean @ 12/18/2003 11:35 PM CST

tom's going to kill us all! we have yet again turned his commenting service into a chatroom!

i draw the line at telegrams. uh uh.

hehe singing...that reminds me of hey ya...

tom you really SHOULD blog soon. although, i'll probably be out of town and MISS it.

Posted by Allegra [only the second time] @ 12/17/2003 02:11 PM CST



I'll send you a singing telegram at three in the morning.

Posted by totallykickin'singer...well, my voice is changing... @ 12/15/2003 09:58 PM CST

you told me youd update that night...two nights ago.
im going through toms exaggerated life withdrawl.

Posted by r-unit @ 12/14/2003 12:49 AM CST

oh tOOOOOooom...

it's been a whole wEEEEeeeeek...

Posted by sean @ 12/12/2003 04:00 PM CST

we really need to get 100+ people at the park this summer. no really, we do.

and p.s. what's your screen name now? (me=gabbycostello)

Posted by gabrielle @ 12/12/2003 09:43 AM CST

There was a guy at my old school named Billy Martucci. That's a little weird.

Posted by Lydia @ 12/10/2003 08:31 PM CST

I certainly have some desire to become a director, and I thought it was funny. Get off of Tom, G. [no racial overtones intended...]

Busty Lions is sort of a frightening thought, isn't it?

Posted by sean @ 12/08/2003 10:27 PM CST

Chesty Lions? Wow...that is ... just... wow...

Anyhow. Allegra, what if someone who wanted to BECOME a director read that?? You could hurt someone's feelings!! Shame on you!

Posted by Gina @ 12/08/2003 07:56 PM CST

wow, tom. you are too funny.

Posted by gabrielle @ 12/08/2003 10:02 AM CST

wait, my bad not busty, Chesty, still attaining the same goal. Initially I thought is was a joke, but apparently not, they have statues of the Chesty lion all aver the place. Even our Medal had the chesty lion on it.

Posted by Lizzz @ 12/07/2003 05:59 PM CST

hahaha Tom in a Cinderella carriage. now that is something i wish i got to see.

hey cool, we were out of town at the same time. how'd debate go?

i hate that...busty lions? what were they THINKING? -_-

also, i agree with this 'Josh' dude. it's the poor, pathetic little director's fantasy to have a 'hot' wife. that's why.

Posted by Allegra @ 12/07/2003 12:52 PM CST

your head wouldnt explode;
your shoes would blow off.

DUH, tom.

Posted by r-unit @ 12/06/2003 02:15 AM CST

Ignore that.



I think that we should get our own corporate machine.

Hey, anime music is sean music.

Posted by heh heh.../busty/...I mean sean @ 12/05/2003 11:03 PM CST

Lawrence’s mascot is the Busty Lions, thought you might like to know.

Posted by Lizzzz @ 12/05/2003 09:20 PM CST


Savannah College of Art & Design has a Billy Martucci Holiday Tournament. I think it's basketball and I think it's in New Jersey. That's all I cared to look for. Seeing as he has his own tournament, he's either rich or dead.

Lots of people notice that fat-guy-hot-chick sitcom status. Intellectuals and feminists become ablaze about in no particular order or time. All I've heard is it's the director's dream to have a hot chick married to his fat, greasy self, so he makes his sitcom his fantasy.

Posted by Josh @ 12/05/2003 12:04 AM CST